December 2010
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Catharsis
by Ava

"It doesn't go beneath the skin
Rachel.
It just stays on the surface
Sweetheart."

Please...
It claws into my heart
And maps my train of thought
And it's in the scratch of my fingertips
And in the tone of my voice

"It doesn't get beneath the skin"

I'll give you something to stare at
look at me
Sweet red scales
Under a colorblind sky
Pick and peel it away
It feels so much better
When I'm looking at it on the floor 
Or in my hands...
Forget the blood
Screw the pills and the tears
And the oil and the "therapy" and the 
sunlight
the stinging and sterilizing
My instincts and my predictability

I'll give you all something to gossip over
I'll give you all something to talk about
Pick it 
Peel it
I.
Bleed. 
Everywhere.
Leaving pieces of me behind
Wherever I go.
I leave it in your sheets
And the back of your minds

I'll give you something to shutter at
Come on now...
(Catharsis)
You know I'm Human.
Don't you?
You know I 
Shred and
Shed 
To
Escape it all
I
Scratch 
And bite
Your lip
If you have to
Close your eyes
It feels so good
Because its under my nails and its
In my hair
(Don't look down)
Streaming through my ears
Colonizing 
Control around my aesthetic
Stream of Consciousness
(Don't see what's left in my path)

And I literally
Wear it
On my sleeve.

(Oh God, Please don't look down)
It is entangling every inhibition 
Into my heart
It's suffocating my senses
And its disgusting
And 
I
cannot
GET
AWAY
FROM 
ME.

"Rachel
Honey
It's only skin deep
It doesn't get beneath the skin"

Excuse me Doctor...
It most certainly goes beyond the flesh 
But it doesn't seem to 
GET TO YOU
Or anyone 
At all.

So tell me how I can 
MOVE YOU.
Let me let you feel
That this is so much more
Than skin
Scattered
On your carpet.
LET ME TELL YOU
That everything inside me
Is holding to the thought
That this is me
And it will never change.

Men become women.
Fat become thin.
And even the ugliest 
Can Escape...
But this
This "Temple of my mind"
Where the cuts and the pain
Take a back-seat to
Humiliation...
This is home.
Forever.

Talk about cabin fever.

                                  -AVA 

(August, 2003)

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